The Only Souls Astir

It’s 3:00am. Sufi woke up at 1:30am and I spent a half hour reading about toddler sleep while she cried in her crib for me, the longest by far that I’ve ever left her to cry hoping that she’ll get down on her own. My alarm is set for 5:00am to get to work and I can’t get back to sleep. She’s quiet now, sound asleep, and yet I can still hear her crying.

I feel traumatized. Despite how exhausting it is I’ve made up my mind: I will never do this again. Whenever she needs me, no matter how tired I am or how short my night is, or long the next day, I will continue to go to her. I don’t know what it means to sleep train her or why it is that we can’t seem to develop a pattern.

Sufi is 16 months old. Since she was 6 months old she consistently falls asleep on her own at night and for nap. For weeks at a time she sleeps through the night, and then some nights, or for weeks, she does not. There are a million answers on the internet. I’ve made up my mind about what’s right for us.

My gut says to surrender to sleep disruptions and to trust her body to know when it needs mine, and most of all, to be grateful for the beauty and closeness internal to our breastfeeding bond, especially in these dark hours when it feels like we two are the only souls astir. These wake ups might last many more years. They might not. One day they will stop and I’ll miss this passage of our lives together. There is no one size fits all answer, except for maybe: do your best and trust your gut.

Sleep tight my friends.

Feeling a lot of love for this fleeting existence of ours. Writing to you has helped me to relax. Thank you.

Good night for now,
one tired, grateful mama